Schoolyard Heroes Speak Out About Their “Satanic Ways”

Following a crackpot’s letter to a Seattle Newspaper accusing the band of being “avowed Satanists who want to kill your children,” an online petition against the band popped up. Clearly amused by this petition — which goes so far as to say they have a cult of 13-year-olds following them [but is mostly signed, at this point, by sarcastic Schoolyard Heroes fans] — the band has finally posted an official statement.

Some highlights, courtesy of bassist Jonah Bergman:

Dear everyone, It’s true. Evil pumps through the veins of Schoolyard Heroes. As it turns out, this “evil” is not satanic vitriol coursing through our systems, but rather a high-calorie and high-cholesterol lunch from Burger King that is gurgling and spewing evil from our tour-hardened stomachs. Yes, my friends, the Burger King Triple Stacker is pure evil and it is currently fueling my fingers and brain as I type this sentence. Muahahahahah!!!!

Actually, maybe Jonah is evil. He’s pretty skinny and eats like that?

He went on to add:

Word on the street is that the “tragedy” known as Schoolyard Heroes is being followed by a rogue faction of 13 year-old runaways who we are trying to “corrupt” and “drive them to murder.” I can say with 100% certainty that nothing could be further from the truth. The death cult that is currently following us around actually has members of ALL AGES ranging from 7 to 45. There is no age discrimination here!

Jonah did get more serious and suggest that parents who are concerned about their band — or any band their kids are listening to — actually talk to their kids. Listen to the albums. Understand the kids. And maybe try to understand that while the band is macabre, it’s no different than “Halloween all the time.”

It’s amazing how things can get blown out of proportion, and just how afraid some people are of music.

[This was originally written for Shoutmouth, 09/2007]

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