An Interview with Oderus Urungus of GWAR [06/2007]

On a warm summer afternoon, I settled in for one of the most surreal, yet educational calls of my life. After the briefest of greetings, Mr. Urungus took the reigns and gave me almost everything I ever needed to know, but for the actual meaning of life.

To many people, GWAR is just “that metal band with guys in monster suits who spray blood at the crowd.” And well, yes, they are the metal band with guys in monster suits who spray blood at the crowd, but they are also a lot more. For example, did you know lead singer Oderus Urungus is approximately 28 million years old? That his penis, which has been stolen once or twice, is known as the Cuttlefish of Cthulhu? That his father was a supercomputer and his mother was a Petri dish? And that he has a cell phone and talks to lowly humans such as myself? It’s all true.

Upon calling the man himself, I was put on hold and various clanging, clapping, and otherwise frightening sounds, he returned. After some strangeness about who I was actually speaking to, we were set to go and he was in charge.

………………

Oderus Urungus: You’re talking to a living, pig-like warlord from outer space. Okay. We’ve got that.

pixie: Okay. Warlord from outer space. So…

Oderus Urungus: That’s me, baby! Everybody’s favorite warlord from outer space.

pixie: So, how is the tour going so far?

Oderus Urungus: The tour is going fucking wonderfully. Every night, there’s another sea of screaming, frenzied, thrashing, hideous humans begging for me to beat the living shit out of them while we play this hideous kind of noise that people call music, and it’s a bloody mess every night. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember and it continues to be that way, so I am a contented creature.

pixie: That’s how it should be. But I noticed you didn’t play Live Earth. Surely you could have represented. Why didn’t you?

Oderus Urungus: We didn’t play Live Earth… We were SUPPOSED to play Live Earth. But they gave us the wrong directions. On purpose. So we ended up… I think we actually played with the Miami Sound Machine that night. Yeah. That’s actually how they managed to ban us from Canada for years, actually… by just not telling us where it was. And finally, with the Internet, we use Google. I believe we were a bit wasted…

pixie: The sluts and cocaine, right?

Oderus Urungus: It was a complete disaster. I was also insisting that I had Sting’s head on a stick, that was part of my rider and they weren’t going for that either, so negotiations broke down at that point.

pixie: That’s bullshit. You should have been able to have his head on a stake… I think ratings would have been -

Oderus Urungus: I KNOW! I could have killed Sting. I could resurrect his head and get him to go through a medley of his hits, then get him to suck my huge, misshapen scrotum bags… and I think THAT… that could have saved the earth. In it’s own way, you know? And I think I have been denied, as an artist, the chance to have sex with Sting’s dead head. And that’s important to me. I feel censored. These people are supposed to be the liberals? The Greens? Whatever… but here I am, being denied my Constitutional rights to fuck Sting’s dead head. You KNOW? ARE YOU WITH ME?

pixie: Well, now you have to be pissed at Al Gore, right? What are you going to do to him?

Oderus Urungus: Yeah! And Al Gore, he was going to be part of this sex act, as well. I believe he was going to lick and tongue and fondle my balls. He’s not now. And it could have happened on national television, with Sting’s head there, vomiting blood. But instead, what they got was… that other thing. Which sucked. And what we got was a gig with the Miami Sound Machine. Which was great, but not so great for them since they were all raped and tortured and killed on stage, of course, and of course the audience didn’t like it - at all - because they were Latino, and they were there to see Miami Sound Machine. So they all died, and it wasn’t so good for them. But it was great for us.

[Here’s a clip of that entire rant]:

pixie: Hey, most bands who open for you die, right?

Oderus Urungus: Well, yes. Anyone who looks at us dies. Even if they don’t die right off the bat. Mostly, when you look at GWAR, you explode. That’s probably one of our most feared powers. But it doesn’t happen all the time. It can only happen if you’ve had a bologna sandwich within fifteen minutes of looking at GWAR. Then you explode. So we try to trick as many people as possible into eating bologna sandwiches before the show. But then - then… of course you still die looking at GWAR, but it’s a slower death. Your eyeballs start to rot from the inside and are replaced by thousands of snakes which explode from the socket, so um. I’m just really sitting here thinking about how much fun it is to drink alcohol… and how I really need a drink right now.

pixie: You’re not drunk… at all right now? You’re totally sober?

Oderus Urungus: Completely. Can you believe that? Granted, I have been shooting up all morning, and smoking crack, but I have not touched a drop of alcohol. I’m proud to say that even though my breakfast consisted of 100mg Oxycontin tablets with a gallon of Robotussin poured on top of it, I haven’t drank a drop. But I’m going to go drink about eight shots of liquor in a row.

pixie: What’s your choice? What do you drink?

Oderus Urungus: What do I drink? Whatever’s in the damned freezer of the bus. They’ve got me tricked on this tour into riding around on a bus, can you believe it? I insisted on a chariot drawn by flaming pigs and instead I got a goddamned tour bus. Does that make any sense to you whatsoever?

pixie: It makes so much sense. Because… you should travel with flaming pigs, I think.

Oderus Urungus: I SHOULD! I SHOULD! And when I say I WANT A FUCKING CHARIOT drawn by flaming pigs, and the chariot also has to have a cooler in it for my booze, I should get one! And I want one for everyone in the band as well!

pixie: You’re a reasonable man.

Oderus Urungus: I should not be on a crappy tour bus! I am forced to paw rudely at several containers trying to find alcohol… and I’m not finding anything. HOLD ON.

[Various clanking, loud noises.]

Oderus Urungus: This is just a debacle as far as I am concerned.

[Noises that sound like breaking glass and possible dismemberment]

Oderus Urungus: FINALLY. I have found a beer. Hold on. Alright, I can talk to you again.

pixie: So I was going to ask you guys some really serious questions because you guys have become so political on the last few albums.

Oderus Urungus: Political.

pixie: Well, somewhat. Just, and in general, because musicians are so involved. For example, what should we do about the situation in Darfur? What would you do?

Oderus Urungus: In Darfur? I believe the thing to do about Darfur is… we resurrect the Ku Klux Klan and we send them there. I think that will make people really mad and they will pour millions of dollars into that situation. If people find out the Ku Klux Klan has invaded Darfur, they are going to be universally compelled to put on another “save the earth” show. And this time, Bono is going to arrange the whole thing, and he’s going to go to Darfur with a bunch of drunken Irish buddies and fight the Ku Klux Klan. And Bono is going to win. And it’s going to be a big celebration for the human race. And at that point, I’ll release my new syphilis bomb, and Bono will get it on his lip, especially. He’ll continue to sing, but he’ll always have this big shanker… right on his lip, and it will destroy all his credibility as a politician. That would have to be my response to that.

pixie: Do you think you’d ever adopt a baby from there, prior to releasing the syphilis bomb?

Oderus Urungus: I think I would rape a baby from there. I would rape one, but I wouldn’t adopt it. I wouldn’t be a good parent, you see, because of the GWAR tradition of having sex with your children. In outer space, this is not only encouraged, but it’s required by law to have sex with your offspring immediately. Before they’re even born actually.

pixie: But if it’s adopted -

Oderus Urungus: In the womb penetration… let’s put it this way… if you don’t do it, you go to jail. That’s what outer space is like. In space, no one can hear you blow a load. It’s quiet up there. Just grunting noises. Horrible, squishy grunting noises, and then just… UGH. Screams. Screams of anguish.

pixie: Tough. So how do you feel about gay marriage?

Oderus Urungus: I encourage it, indulge in it, do it practice it, , join gays in marriage, encourage gays to marry other gays. Group marriage - gay group marriage, for gay group dog marriage to gay fecal anal innocence lost forever and monkeys dipped in pus that serve as some hideous choir monkeys whose genitals are tied to rotating knives, screaming monkeys encouraging gay marriage. That is my stance on that.

pixie: That would explain AIDS, I think… the monkeys, the blades…

Oderus Urungus: It helps. I don’t know if it explains everything, but it helps.

pixie: You’ve said you’re both gay and not gay in different songs, right?

Oderus Urungus: I’m omnisexual, which means I’ll fuck anything.

[here’s a clip of that entire rant]:

pixie: Okay, I have a question. My boyfriend went to see My Chemical Romance with me. Is he gay?

Oderus Urungus: Is he gay because he went to see Chemical Romance? Yes, unfortunately. Even though he doesn’t know it. And you might not know it either. But he is gay. See, much like looking at GWAR if you’ve eaten a bologna sandwich recently causes you to explode? Looking at Chemical Romance, and especially their tight pants, causes you to be gay. It will take a few years, but you’ll notice that men excite him…. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you.

pixie: No, no. Hearing it from you, it softens the blow a little bit.

Oderus Urungus: Okay, good, good. And he’s still got a good few months. Don’t tell him he’s gay. If he knows that he’s gay, if you tell him he’s gay, he’ll get gay faster. If you want to slow the gay process down and make him gay in small amounts — incrementally gay, is what we, what the therapists call it. I’ve gone to school for this. Incremental gay, or gay increments. You might want to read my book “Oderus Urungus’ Steps to Gaydom: The Incremental Gay Experience.” That might help you to understand why your boyfriend is SUCH A FUCKING FREAK.

pixie: I have another bit of personal advice to ask your Lordship if that’s okay. My bosses force me to cover Lordi, that Finnish, Swedish, whatever, monster rock band.

Oderus Urungus: Yeah, the GWAR TRIBUTE BAND, I understand.

pixie: Well, they claim they never heard of you…. But what should I do to my bosses for making me write about them?

Oderus Urungus: Well, death is the obvious choice. But how you achieve it is where the creativity comes in. What I would do - is he a big? Male? Female?

pixie: I got two guys out there, they’re of moderate man size. Not nearly your size, but they’re a decent size.

Oderus Urungus: Okay. Here’s what we do. First, you’re going to have to get some chloroform - and you have to be careful with that stuff… it will actually do what it does in movies, it will knock someone out. If you get it up to their face, they will go down in about two seconds. But you have to make sure you don’t get any on your hands or breathe it yourself, or you’ll be knocked out yourself. ANYWAY, you get behind them, get them with the chloroform… you will probably need a couple of big dudes… take them, chain their hands behind their backs, and take them into a room, much like that movie Saw, something desolate and horrible they can’t get out of, and have a little trap door. Now take the chains off their bodies before they wake up - I guess you could skip the chains as long as their unconscious, actually. But leave them in the room and then you have a camera system and the trap door. On the other side of the trap door, you have to have 8,000 starving rats - you know, this is going to take considerable planning…

pixie: I can tell…

Oderus Urungus: This is going to take considerable cash investment. But if you really want vengeance, you leave them in there, and when they wake up, finally, say to them - and this isn’t going to help them, but it will make it funnier - tell them that unless they start making out with each other, you are going to release the rats into the room. And they’ll start making out with each other. Make them make out with each other for a long time. And then release the rats anyway.

pixie: I’m not sure I want to watch them make out… but I see your point.

Oderus Urungus: WELL, okay, I think we can eliminate the making out part if you don’t feel that’s working with your little private revenge fantasy, we can skip the gay stuff. But I just want to remind you that you can make money off that shit.

pixie: That’s true. You have a point.

Oderus Urungus: The gay part of that film, if you film the whole thing with them getting eaten by rats, the gay part will sell more copies.

[here’s a clip of how my bosses should be killed because of Lordi]:

pixie: Okay, well, I’m going to go with that. Here’s a timely question for you: yesterday, I wrote a story about how Kirk Hammett of Metallica’s dog was raped by his neighbor. Anything like that ever happen to you?

Oderus Urungus: Wait - is that true?

pixie: Apparently, it was in a magazine that he watched his neighbor rape his dog when he was a child.

Oderus Urungus: OH, when he was a child. Well, you know, stuff like that happens all the time, I don’t see what’s so special about him! I mean, what’s emotionally traumatic is if you’re the dog that gets raped. Here’s Kirk feeling all sorry for himself, but how about if he was the animal getting raped? Maybe he should be raped. In fact, I think maybe he was, and that’s his way of saying “help me, help me, help me, I was raped by my neighbor.”

pixie: Wow. Did you ever live next door to him by any chance?

Oderus Urungus: No, I am not the raper of Kirk Hammett’s dog. I did not rape Kirk Hammett’s dog. I tried to rape Kirk Hammett with a dog, a dead dog, but he gave me bad directions, as usual, and I got lost in the labyrinth corridors of some hotel in Las Vegas for about three years… missed a couple of tours, actually.

pixie: Alright, you want to do word association? I give you a name, you tell me what you think?

Oderus Urungus: I’ll tell you how I FEEL.

pixie: That works. Let’s start with Frodo.

Oderus Urungus: Vulnerable.

pixie: Brad Pitt. [A bit of discussion ensues, as he hears “Rat Pit” before we get it straight]

Oderus Urungus: Uhh… Acceptance.

pixie: Howie Mandel.

Oderus Urungus: Uck. Betrayal.

pixie: The Pope.

Oderus Urungus: Funny.

pixie: Jeff Foxworthy.

Oderus Urungus: NOT funny.

pixie: That was too beautiful. Bam Margera. [Discussion ensues as to who he is]

Oderus Urungus: Trollish.

pixie: Do you care to elaborate on that at all?

Oderus Urungus: Eyes on opposite of head. Eyes too far apart. Lives under a bridge.

pixie: A lot of people consider him attractive. Not where you’re from?

Oderus Urungus: I didn’t say I didn’t consider him attractive. I love trolls. Fucking…. I’m the biggest troll there is. I’d fuck Bam. I’d kiss the hell out of him first, though.

pixie: Did you fuck his parents when you were on his show?

Oderus Urungus: I’d do anything Bam told me to if it meant plenty of publicity for GWAR.

pixie: Are you actually doing the rumored tour with his promotion with Cradle of Filth in the autumn?

Oderus Urungus: Well, you know, it’s funny — all my publicity people are telling me not to mention anything about this SUPER SECRET tour that’s going to be happening this fall but everyone seems to know about it already so I have to say no comment - but YES.

pixie: Good to know.

Oderus Urungus: I think somebody needs to get their shit together because it’s all over Blabbermouth and everything already and they’re like “don’t say anything about it Oderus, we want to make sure you look ignorant” - like they have to try?

pixie: What about the DVDs that are supposed to come out? Sleazy [P. Martini, the band’s manager] had said there’d be a “Beyond Hell Live” and “Dim Times” - an 80s video of you guys?

Oderus Urungus: You know, I don’t know. Apparently, they have these cameras that are hidden in cell phones now, so people are pointing things at me all the time, releasing things, products… I assure you, I don’t get any of the money. We do have the “Blood Bath and Beyond” DVD out, which is kind of a 20-year retrospective of all things GWAR, we’re selling those like hotcakes! Basically, though, I have no idea what are next projects are going to be because people who aren’t in the band are coming up with all different ways to make money off of GWAR but as far as the official GWAR products, we’re touring the hell out of this record until the end of the year and then returning to Antarctica to keep the penguin population at bay and maybe thinking about new projects. But everybody has to check out the “Eighth Lock” video from the new album because that’s the definitive video from GWAR off the new album, not the stupid “School’s Out” cover that the fucking label somehow talked us into doing…

pixie: I was going to ask you….

Oderus Urungus: the “Eighth Lock” video is all over YouTube and it’s way way way way cool and that’s all we’re doing right now until we stop. And then we’ll start up again.

pixie: MTV wouldn’t play anything off War Party and yet they took “School’s Out” and nominated it for an award. What do you think of that?

Oderus Urungus: I don’t know. Even I can not begin to understand what makes these brains work. I think it all comes down to bribes, and apparently, GWAR doesn’t sell enough records to qualify for the types of bribes that are needed in order to get your shit on MTV. So I’m thinking about just showing up at their offices and just starting to kill people right there, and we’ll see what happens with that. If the executives see this, perhaps they will become a bit more acclimated to my point of view.

pixie: I’m going to have to agree with that. And they could make a reality show out of that… you… killing them.

Oderus Urungus: GWAR should have their own show. There are so many things that should have happened but didn’t because of A, our own bumbling incompetence and B, people are terrified of what we’re going to do if they give us that kind of opportunity.

pixie: What’s there to be afraid of? I mean other than the murder, torture, rape, and all that….

Oderus Urungus: That they will invest a ton of money into something that won’t sell a lot of copies? [cackling] GWAR is not mass-marketed and never posted mass-market numbers. So therefore, we have to do with brute force what most bands have done for them. In a way, though, I think that’s what keeps GWAR great because everybody else has become pussies because they get so taken care of. The good bands are the ones who have to fight for it. How many bands have you heard, the first couple of albums were great - they sold a lot of them - and then they turned to horrible debacles, with an anticlimactic end. Being immortal, I don’t have to worry about that. I can continue to crank out mediocre record after mediocre record for AN ETERNITY.

pixie: I think that calling your music mediocre….

[loud bell/whooshing noise, followed by Oderus yelling “WHOAH”]

pixie: Whoah, what happened?

Oderus Urungus: The trash can made a very strange noise.

pixie: That was the trash can?

Oderus Urungus: Yeah, it sounded like a bell, didn’t it?

pixie: I don’t know what happened; it sounded like something really bad. Maybe you have something living in there. I’d check it out.

Oderus Urungus: I was like “Oderus, your time is up….” I thought that bell signified a rock falling out of the sky and crushing me. But we can talk longer. But soon I must stop. I am growing weak. So many words. Spewing out of my mouth. Making my heart beat slower and slower. Or maybe it’s all the Valium I just took. I’m pathetic. Such a drug addict. I just walk around the city all day eating people that I know are high.

pixie: What city are you in now?

Oderus Urungus: Oh, I don’t know. Worchester. Named after a sauce. Sauce town USA. That’s where we’re at.

pixie: Everything up there closes by about 1am, I think. So… keep that in mind.

Oderus Urungus: Nah, when you’re Oderus, usually when something’s closed… I just kind of open it. Usually by walking directly through a brick wall.

pixie: I did not know you had that power.

Oderus Urungus: I’m mighty strong.

pixie: Really?

Oderus Urungus: I can juggle cars.

pixie: Why don’t you ever do that on stage?

Oderus Urungus: The venues are too small. Well, I guess I could knock the roof out. I’m fighting Gor Gor! I have to save my strength to fight that dinosaur. That thing will bite your fucking head off, people don’t understand! What we do on stage is real. This is no Siegfried and Roy act! This is a twelve-foot-tall dinosaur or vaginasaur or something sore, it could make my head sore, fucker.

pixie: How does he keep getting back up?

Oderus Urungus: I DON’T KNOW!! He’s tough. He’s made of tough stuff…. He’s from Scotland. I DON’T KNOW. He eats his fucking Wheaties. What do I look like, Wikipedia?

pixie: [laughing] No. Not at all.

Oderus Urungus: [laughing] I try to do everything. I just can’t.

pixie: You do fine!

Oderus Urungus: Alright, I’m hanging around a bus stop now. What else do you want?

pixie: You want more? I could go all day…

Oderus Urungus: NO, NO, I’m DONE WITH YOU!

pixie: I’m dismissed?

Oderus Urungus: I think you’ve been done! Usually when the interviewer has collapsed in breathless laughter, that’s a sign the interview is over.

pixie: Sounds fair to me. See you on Sunday in Philadelphia….

Oderus Urungus: This is for Philly? I knew there was a reason why I felt tickly inside because EVERYBODY knows that’s our favorite city and we can’t wait to play there in a couple of days. It should be the highlight of the tour. Hopefully Bam will show up. We keep trying to lure him on to stage, but he won’t do it.

pixie: That’s because he doesn’t want to get killed.

Oderus Urungus: I’ve invited him up on stage many times, to fight Gor Gor, to get sodomized, to attempt to fix his eyes… I even offered to cut his head in half and attempt to reconstruct his head so his eyes are closer together, but he hasn’t taken me up on any of it…. Maybe this time he will.

pixie: Here’s hoping.

Oderus Urungus: Okay, well, he’s probably in Jamaica counting his toenails. He has a toenail collection.

pixie: That is disgusting.

Oderus Urungus: I know. Of all the things that Bam would be into? You know what he collects? Celebrity toenails.

pixie: Does he have one of yours?

Oderus Urungus: Oh yeah. It weighs about eight pounds. Stinks to high heaven. He uses the toe jam to butter his wheat toast, I believe. Anyway, enough about me, I gotta go make a withdrawal from the crack bank or I’m going to go crazy…. Nice talking to you…. [vomiting noise and a click].

…………………

Epilogue:
Two days after speaking with Lord Urungus, I had the honor of meeting him at the Sounds of the Underground show in Philadelphia. I approached him cautiously, then realized he did not have his gigantic sword with him and was really just drinking a Heineken, so I’d probably survive.

After complimenting him on his perfect teeth [really, he has the most perfect, straight, pearly white teeth I have ever laid eyes upon], he felt me up and signed my right breast. I asked him if he remembered talking to me, and immediately, he said, “Well, have you started amassing the rats yet? For the plan?” And then he dismissed me. What a man.

I can now say I have interviewed a 28 million year old monster, gotten felt up by his clawed rubbery hand, and lived to tell the tale. And I can’t wait to do it again some day.

For those of you who really need to hear this epic in its entirety [you sick freaks!], here you go:

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