An Interview with Oderus of GWAR [#2 - 08/2007]

When I lastmet up with Oderus, it was in a packed venue in Philadelphia, PA, where he was surrounded by adoring fans who he no doubt wanted to kill. This time around, I got him on the phone, to talk about the current Viva La Bands tour. However, as is the case with Oderus, things do not always go as planned, and we ended up talking about some of the most hideous and disgusting things one could ever imagine.

We started off with a brief apology for calling him a bit late [Miss Manners says one should never keep a possibly evil space warlord waiting] and here’s how it went:

Oderus: Eh, it’s okay. I was laying here in my coffin waiting for your call. I’ll get around to killing you sooner or later.

pixie: I’m sure you will. So… do you have anything special going on for the Viva La Bands tour?

Oderus: Yes, yes. We’re on it now, and the thing that we have that is special for this tour is to rape and kill the entire Margera family on stage. Especially that horrible, hideous creature Don Vito. That is what we have been doing. And then after the show, we resurrect them from the dead, and they’re ready to go again. So, you know… no harm, no foul.

pixie: How does it feel when you rape Don Vito?

Oderus: Horrible! It’s kind of like sticking your dick into a cactus.

pixie: Who’s the sexiest one to rape in the family?

Oderus: Oh, definitely Bam. He’s at least half woman. He’s pretty much a completely formed woman from the nipples down, so I’d have to say he is the tastiest one.

pixie: But with a troll head?

Oderus: Yes. Yes. But the whole family is delightful, educated, erudite, and I believe they’ll be here soon, so we’ll start the pre-show raping procedure which involves getting them all lubed up, so to speak. So yes, tonight, where am I? Well, I never know where I am. But we’ll be playing the show, and we’re doing this tour for about six weeks and then we’re going off on our own headline tour for another six or seven weeks. It’s pretty much non-stop relentless touring for the rest of the year, supporting our greatest album ever, Beyond Hell. And then it’s back to Antarctica to work on whatever the hell it is we’re doing next.

pixie: Sounds like a plan. You have Halloween in Philadelphia… what do you guys dress up for on Halloween, if you even do the whole Halloween thing?

Oderus: Oh SURE! We understand the human tradition of dressing up in strange costumes and we’re no different. We like to have our little fun, too. Last year, I went as a piece of cereal. Yes, I dressed up as a giant cornflake. And everywhere I went, people were throwing milk on me. So I felt my costume was a big success. This year, however, I am going to go out as a giant Xanax bar, so people will be coming up to me and licking me all over. Maybe I’ll go out as a popsicle. Yes. Yes. If you see a giant popsicle walking down the streets of Philadelphia on Halloween, that would be me, Oderus. So come on out and give me a lick!

pixie: What do you taste like?

Oderus: Shit. A shit-flavored popsicle. That’s a joke. Ah-ha-ha! I’m fiendish! Fiendish!

pixie: You really are. It’s vile.

Oderus: I’m horrible. I’m awful. Some reason, I get paid to do this. It doesn’t make any sense to me.

pixie: People get paid for stranger things.

Oderus: Yes, like garbage men. Apparently, they get paid to pick up garbage and throw it away. Now, where I come from, the planet is made out of garbage and you just throw it everywhere. So I just don’t understand.

pixie: It’s a different planet.

Oderus: Different planet. Different laws. Different shit-flavored popsicles. Different configurations of Don Vito’s hairy buttocks…

pixie: Ugh…

Oderus: It’s all Greek to me.

pixie: No more on the Don Vito buttocks…

Oderus: It’s making you too excited, isn’t it?

pixie: Uh, yeah… you found me out, okay, let’s move on…

Oderus: You CRAVE HIM. You DESIRE HIM. And if you play your cards right, maybe I will set you up with Don Vito. You and Don Vito, alone in a room with a bottle of champagne, his gibbering mouth trying to form syllables… ugh. I can’t think of anything sexier than perhaps, having molten lead poured into my butt.

pixie: I think I would choose that as well. So, given this scenario, does GWAR date?

Oderus: Date? No, no, no. We don’t do the dating thing. We’re more into the raping thing. And we don’t even do the date rape thing, because that wastes too much time. We go straight to the rape. “Straight to the rape” is my motto. That’s what the bumper sticker on the back of the rapemobile says. We don’t care if it’s a woman, even. Or a man or a dog or a fire hydrant or a tree or a hole in the ground or a can of stewed tomatoes. If it feels good, do it basically. That includes sex with entire planets.

pixie: How do you please a woman? Do you ever please a….

Oderus: THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT TO ME, TO PLEASE A WOMAN! What’s important to me is to please MYSELF. Parts of me are woman, so I guess I please my womanly parts, but no! I have yet to meet a woman, a man, a human being in any form that I wish to do anything but torment and inflict abject misery upon! This is my lot in life. This is my role. This is what I do. I hurt people. I break things. I destroy towns. I break hearts. I set fire to airplanes. I fly them into buildings. This is what Oderus loves! If I am ever pleasing anyone, then I am doing my job very wrong. And I won’t stand for it. I won’t stand for myself.

pixie: Okay. So what is your favorite sexual position? What pleases you the most?

Oderus: My favorite? Sleeping. After it’s over. Flat on my back, in the alley, covered in garbage and beer bottles, next to the corpse of my latest victim, still laying dead on my chest. And yes, I, Oderus Urungus, on my back, snoring, with bugs flying in and out of my mouth. That would be my favorite position.

pixie: Very nice. So, does the band GWAR, or you, yourself, promote safe sex at all?

Oderus: No, we promote unsafe sex. Naughty sex. We go around burning down condom factories. We’re trying to spread disease, not stop it! We’re trying to kill the human race, not encourage it to do responsible things. So I suppose… we’re kind of an anti-role model. If you want to do what’s “right” in life, just make sure you are doing whatever it is that is the exact opposite of what GWAR is doing and you will probably be pretty good. But if you want to die and you want to take as many people with you as you possibly can… if you want to just pollute and spread your filthy AIDS, then yes, Oderus is your poster child.

pixie: Can you impregnate a human?

Oderus: Oh, countless humans. Just to look at my semen gets you pregnant. But in the eyeballs.

pixie: Ugh.

Oderus: Yes. Pregnant eyeballs. You have children out of your eyes. It’s horrible.

pixie: Yep. That is pretty horrible.

Oderus: A lot of things about me are pretty damned horrible.

pixie: Okay, so… it’s kind of early for you, I assume [it was around noon] as I’d imagine you’d be a late sleeper…

Oderus: Yes, yes, yes, yes. It is early. I dragged myself from my coffin to do your interview and it is done now and I thank you. Hell yeah.

pixie: So I’m done?

Oderus: Yes, my dear. Thank you for the excellent, astounding, and intellectually stimulating banter that we have shared.

pixie: It was wonderful.

Oderus: See you in the bloody slam pit. Farewell!

And with that, the phone clicked and I went about my day, and he went about his. I’m sure many people died that night. GWAR is currently on the Viva La Bands tour with Cradle of Filth, Vains of Jenna, and cky.

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