An Interview With Schoolyard Heroes [11/2007]

I got to sit down with Schoolyard Heroes before they played at Toad’s Place in New HavenCT. The band, who recently released their third album, Abominations, has been playing almost non-stop since, as well as dealing with some complete nutbars who have accused them of leading a “satanic cult,” and “trying to kill your children.” As such, we discussed exactly how they feed off the members of their cult, kung-fu fighting, the abnormal traits of the band, as well as some stuff that actually has to do with their music, believe it or not.

pixie: So you guys just put a new video out… it’s kind of gross, I guess… so how did that come to be?

Jonah: I think the basic concept came together with this company called Surround; it’s two brothers, Brian and Brad Palmer, and they came to us with a concept for a series of videos – an overall vibe.

Ryann: We kind of set out with this mentality of wanting to make our videos seem like horror movies, or try to make them into one horror movie, and it didn’t quite work out like that because we had a lot of ideas. But we were able to capture some of them in a couple of videos. It turned out
kind of gruesome, but I like the way it came out. It really is like a horror movie.

Jonah: It’s something for parents to talk about….

pixie: When they’re not making online petitions, right?

Jonah: I think as it turns out, there’s two videos. There’s one with more live shots, whereas the second one for “Dude, Where’s My Skin?” is way more cinematic and that’s the one that has Ryann cutting her tongue out.

pixie: And yet you still have it.

Ryann: Yes, it’s intact.

Jonah: The marvels of modern science!

Steve: Plastic surgery!

pixie: It makes sense, though… Abominations really could be a horror movie, especially the way it
builds up to “Screaming Fire in a Crowded Theatre.” Are you going to do videos for all of the
songs?

Jonah: Hopefully!

Ryann: Oh man, that would be fun… every one. We just need the budget.

pixie: [turning to Brian, who was really quiet]: So, do you want to do all those videos?

[Band laughter]

Brian: I’d like to, but you know, we might have to tap into our parents’ allowance money….

pixie: And what will you be cutting off in the next video?

Brian: Ummm… my best… my left hand. I don’t need it anymore.

pixie: It will grow back, anyway.

Steve: Science!

pixie: So, here’s one for you, Ryann. According to your Wikipedia, you are “abnormally preoccupied with UV protection.” Can you explain?

Ryann: Oh, well. Ultraviolet rays are incredibly dangerous to one’s skin. I don’t know, whenever I am in a store and buying sunblock, I always go for 70 SPF to keep my skin healthy and avoid skin cancer.

pixie: I don’t think that’s abnormal…

Steve: Sometimes, the sun is actually good for your skin, though….

Jonah: Yeah, you do need some sun.

Ryann: Fine, I’ll get it on my arm or something, I don’t mind wrinkles there. But not my face.

pixie: I think Wikipedia is grossly exaggerating your interest in sunblock. You probably want to say something to them about that.

Ryann: [laughs]

pixie: So, you guys always say “every day is like Halloween” for you. I know you played a show on Halloween – did you dress up?

Jonah: We dressed up… Ryann was Santa and Brian, Steve, and I were all elves.

Steve: In tights, even.

Ryann: And I had a big belly full of Halloween candy that I dispersed amongst everyone – eyeballs and skeletons and stuff.

pixie: That’s cool. But Jonah might be the world’s biggest elf

Jonah: Perhaps!

Steve: I was thinking of the movie Elf the whole time.

Brian: The hardest part about these costumes was finding tights for a 6’3”, 200-pound man.

Ryann: American Apparel saved us

Steve: We found a pair for him, and then I bought one, too. We still have them.

pixie: Well, once you have them, now any time… break out the tights. So, Steve… Wikipedia says you have “abnormal amounts of hair.”

Steve: That is true.

Jonah: I don’t know if it’s abnormal….

Ryann: It’s a life decision. I think if he wanted to, he could take it down a bit.

Steve: The funny thing is, what’s on my head is only half of it, and I’m going to let your imagination fill in the rest….

pixie: Okay! Do you ever comb it out? How long is it?

Steve: No, but if I pull it all the way out, it’s about a foot or so… But flat ironing it or anything? It just wouldn’t work.

pixie: Is it high maintenance?

Steve: No, actually, it’s low maintenance.

pixie: Brian, you have nothing abnormal about you, according to Wikipedia, so you have to tell me what is abnormal about you.

Brian: Oh, boy. Maybe these guys can tell you…

Jonah: I have the list out in the van, I can go get it for you if you’d like…. I’ve started putting it into the official database of weird and strange occurrences and events, but off the top of my head? Let’s see… Ryann gets hungry faster than any human being I have seen in my entire life. It just comes on like a storm.

Ryann: And it’s followed by grumpiness.

Jonah: Yeah, a lot of grumpiness, until she’s fed. It’s “grumber,” grumpy hunger.

pixie: Is that a big problem for you guys?

Brian: I just keep stocked up on Ritz crackers and Clif bars, this way, I don’t have to resort into biting into all of their necks.

Jonah: Which has happened before, but fortunately, we have blood reserves and flesh reserves.

Brian: And that guitar player was replaced.

pixie: Very scientific. And the 13-year-old cult that follows you? You feast on them as well, no?

Jonah: A lot of bands roll with a trailer to keep their gear in… we roll with a trailer to keep 13-year-olds in. We just kind of let them feed on the weak ones who have died on the way over, due to the cold or whatnot. We just keep the gear in the back of the van, because we don’t want
them touching our instruments or anything.

pixie: So you guys and pETA aren’t that close is what you’re saying?

Jonah: No, we love animals! It’s humans that we despise.

pixie: I knew there was a reason I liked you guys.

Brian: We have a corporate partnership with pETA because we don’t eat animals, but we eat kids. So it works out well for pETA as well as us.

Jonah: I feel strongly you can still be vegan and eat humans.

Steve: It puts a whole new spin on Italian sausage.

Ryann: Oh… my… god. Next.

pixie: Okay, if you guys and Gym Class Heroes got into a fight, who would win?

Ryann: Well, there is more of them… and I think they’re much larger than us.

Jonah: And Travis is big. We actually played a festival with them recently in Seattle, and they were the nicest dudes in the world. We got no beef!

pixie: Oh, I didn’t think you did… I was just wondering what would happen if a fight broke out.

Ryann: I really think that they would win. I would run away scared, leaving these three to fend for themselves, and they’d get clobbered.

Jonah: I can’t fight. I can answer simple algebraic problems, but there’s no fighting.

pixie: [To Brian] You have on gym socks, you’re a drummer, you look a little scrappy….

Jonah: I think Brian and Steve might be a dynamic duo.

Brian: Steve can do spin kicks.

Jonah: Yeah, Steve did Kung-Fu for like six months when he was eight…

Steve: Six years. When I was twelve.

Brian: But everybody knows that Kung-Fu is not that efficient when dealing with foes.

Steve: But it’s all quasi-fighting, which I wasn’t really told in Kung-Fu.

pixie: So you’re a ninja?

Steve: No, no. Not at all.

Jonah: Isn’t it Biggie who has the line “fuck Tae Kwon Do, I got the glock?”

Steve: I think I just have to fucking get strapped.

pixie: Well, you guys are extremely menacing, and have fully lived up to your reputation. Before I set you free, is there anything else you want to say?

Jonah: Well, we’re just excited to get on tour and play some shows, go to new towns, find more 13-year-olds to stuff into the back of the old trailer there.

Brian: Lock your kids up.

Jonah: But once again, it has been noted: we don’t have a trailer full of 13-year olds. It’s actually eight to 40-year-olds. We don’t discriminate as far as age goes, when it comes to kidnapping.

Steve: We like a nice, soft human being.

pixie: What about the elderly?

Jonah: The elderly aren’t so great, because when they crawl around in the back of the trailer, their skin just comes apart like a rotten papaya.

pixie: Wow… yeah, you guys should definitely make horror movies. That should happen, for the record.

Brian: We do what we can! One thing at a time!

pixie: It all leads to world domination…

Jonah: Yes!

Schoolyard Heroes are currently on tour through early December. The band is: Ryann - vocals; Jonah - bass and vocals; Steve - guitar; Brian - drums.

This is the band playing “Attack of the Puppet People”:

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